The blue bubble on the dashboard spun wildly as the unmarked car raced through the streets of Old San Juan. Spanish style row houses blurred in a kaleidoscope of pastel colors, distorting the cultural beauty of a bygone era best savored at a slower pace. Red-knuckled fists clenched a ten and two as I glanced in the rearview mirror, or, at least that was my intention. Instead, I found myself mesmerized by the unexpected darkness that stared back. Alternating an intense focus between what lay ahead and what loomed behind, I watched as a massive black cloud rolled off the Caribbean Sea to consume the 16th century fortress of El Morro.

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The swift moving tropical downpour took pursuit and captured the government vehicle, which then began to rumble over rain slickened cobblestones. The violent thunderstorm’s sudden appearance added an eeriness to the atmosphere of danger that already existed. Under different circumstances, the flash of lightning illuminating the castle would have conjured the image of an old Vincent Price movie and given this baby boomer agent a chuckle.

 

But not now. Not as I neared that moment of truth I’d hoped to never encounter in my career. All the range practice, tactical maneuvering exercises and legal instructions on the use of deadly force may have prepared me for the perils of the street, but not for the complexities of conscience, even if justified by law, when taking a life. 

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There was no doubt I’d be using my firearm today, only this time it wouldn’t be aimed at a silhouette cardboard figure clipped to a metal target holder, its pointed spike firmly planted in the ground to hold it upright. There’d be nobody broadcasting, ‘ready on the firing line’, first ensuring the safety of all shooters as they donned eye and ear protection. Today my sights would be set on human beings – all of whom would be aiming back with the intention of killing me.  

 

Sluggish windshield wipers complained as they languished back and forth; flashing strobes of rotating blue created a rolling dance floor effect; all the windows fogged up from the exhaled breaths of foreboding and concern. As I accelerated towards whatever destiny had in store for us, a hypnotic presence swirled varying levels of heroism and fear through my mind.